I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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