drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
