I feel like abortions should bother me more
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
