people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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