the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
