Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
