i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
