The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
