When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
