Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
