I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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