Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
