he thought i was a dude.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
