New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
