tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
