2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
