Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
