I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
