i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
