Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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