just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have aggressive nipples.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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