I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
