i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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