As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
