Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
