chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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