good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
