I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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