I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
