i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and she was petting her beer can
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
