it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
