so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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