Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You left your phone here
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