I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
