I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
