you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
