shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
