I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they need to just BURY HIM!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
