I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
