she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
