I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think people are normalizing furries
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
