saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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