I puked a lego.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
