I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
