yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.