i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.