one might say we're banned from that church
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.