Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.