he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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