I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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