The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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