im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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