You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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