He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
false alarm, still single
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
