Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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