If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
