Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
